Going to a zen place while writing

[quietmoon]

I'm trying to get better about not apologising for not being around. So instead of doing that, I will put this sentence as a placeholder where the apology would go, and wish the best for you and yours. I am doing as well as can be (given the obvious). :)

Alright. Onto the thoughts. It's just a short post today, about something that I find myself thinking about every time I revisit my writing.

I love to reread my fic. I know for a lot of people it feels very uncomfortable or cringe-inducing, but I don't really feel that way about anything I've published. Before publishing, I get that so bad I can't bear to reread stuff even for editing — it's such a miserable job that I've not learned how to edit in the past decade plus of posting fic online. But once I've published it, it very much feels like my brain quite literally throws it out. It honestly stops feeling like something I wrote.

I think that's why I enjoy it so much. It's like reading fic perfectly tailored to myself — obviously, since I wrote it — with ideas that I was dying to read so badly I ended up writing them myself, or characterisation that hits just right — because, again, it came from me so of course it it's going to fit anyone's tastes, it'll be my own.

Actually, I really struggle to connect the writing as something I wrote myself. When I read, I think to myself, 'How did I put a sentence like that together?' or 'How did I remember what that word means when I had to google it just now?'. I don't think about what I'm putting on the page when I write, and I already knew that I go into a weird sort of mental zone where it's very much like I'm the video camera taping the scene itself, but I guess I just now put two and two together that maybe that's why I feel so disconnected from a story once it's finished.

I have no memory of where I was or what was happening in my real life once I've written something. It does sort of feel as if, when I sit down to write, I teleport for the duration. And when I look back at what I come up with, it's like, how on earth did I manage to do that? If I try to string a sentence together while consciously... thinking about it, for lack of a better term, it feels so awkward and stilted and impossible.

I wonder if this also ties into why I feel like I'm a pipe all backed up when I haven't written for ages. It feels strangely essential. Or maybe that's wholly unrelated — I'm tempted to believe it is lmao.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. And I want to say just as I round this up that while I'm writing, it does feel like pulling teeth sometimes. No peaceful zen feelings for me. Or, no, rather, the moments between putting the words on paper. But the physical act of actually writing is just that: very zen.

*shrug* I really miss writing and hate that I can't do it right now because work time constraints sighhhh. Three weeks. TwT

Comments

[pauraque]

Hey, it's good to hear from you!

For me, re-reading my own writing can vary a lot. There's a sweet spot where it's something I wrote long enough ago that I'm detached from it, yet not so long ago that it has a lot of rookie mistakes that make me facepalm. I've definitely had the experience of wondering how I came up with something!

There are a few fics that I have specific memories of writing, because I associate them with some life event that was going on at the time. In fact, there's one fic that's actually one of my more popular ones on AO3, which for a long time I avoided re-reading because I remembered how unhappy I was IRL at the time I wrote it. But when I finally did look at it again, I realized it didn't show in the writing at all. I must have been able to 'teleport' better than I thought.

Self-editing is tough and I kind of hate it, but I do it anyway, haha. Recently there was a discussion about self-editing on malenkayacherepakha 's journal that I thought was pretty interesting.

[quietmoon]

Thank you!! ♥ Hope you're staying well?

Oh, gosh. I understand the feeling, especially of fic turning out different from how one remembers/how one expects it to in hindsight. It's amazing the relationship between art and creator, especially (to me) writing because words are the primary way we communicate, you know? It's so interesting to see what makes it into a story and what doesn't. Also, I'm sorry for the bad time you had. *hugs*

I will definitely enjoy reading through these comments, thank you for linking me! I love that about dreamwidth. It always feels like humans interacting, as opposed to a more detached feeling on other platforms. (Or maybe it's just me lsdfjkhgf)

[pauraque]

I'm well, thanks! I'm mostly a homebody anyway, so staying at home hasn't been much of a burden for me. I hope you're doing well too. :)

I understand the feeling, especially of fic turning out different from how one remembers/how one expects it to in hindsight. It's amazing the relationship between art and creator, especially (to me) writing because words are the primary way we communicate, you know?

Yeah, totally. A piece of work is a record of our thought process at the time that we created it. Once it's finished, it becomes a fixed object that doesn't change any further - but the creator continues to change and grow as they live their life. So naturally when we look at our work again later, it often seems different or surprising. Although we're still the creator, we're not exactly the same person we were then.

Also, I'm sorry for the bad time you had. *hugs*

Aw, thank you! It was a long time ago and all water under the bridge now. *hugs*

I love that about dreamwidth. It always feels like humans interacting, as opposed to a more detached feeling on other platforms. (Or maybe it's just me lsdfjkhgf)

I don't think it's just you. I've heard others say the same!

[quietmoon]

I'm much the same. My workload has increased, and I miss my friends and family, but overall I'm as good as can be.

Yes, exactly! It's almost like a candid snapshot frozen through time. I love that about fiction writing — how intensely personal it can be yet at the same time far removed. *shakes fist* I love writing so much!!

I'm glad to hear it. ^_^