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Snowflake Challenge: Day 4
Jan. 4th, 2019 07:17 amDay 4: Comment to someone you haven't ever interacted with before or introduce yourself to someone you've interacted with and friend/follow them.
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding the idea of talking to people in fandom spaces. I think it's a combination of my inherent inclination to go under the radar around strangers and by hang-ups surrounding fandom in general. My relationship with this strange huge hobby of mine is complex to put it lightly (convoluted to be more blunt) and I worry constantly about tipping whatever precarious balance I've managed to achieve and overwhelming myself again.
It's weird because I love fandom — I adore it. I owe it so much and I'm endlessly happy it exists. But in certain spheres of it, it's too loud, too rowdy, too fast-moving, too hectic and chaotic and unforgiving and demanding. Microblogging platforms like tumblr (and, at least in fandom spheres, twitter as well, right?) don't meld very well with how I like to go about things. I really value my privacy, and while I love making friends (and more than anything having them so I can have a safe space to talk about things like my favourite characters' daddy issues) I get stressed out if it feels like I have to give too much of myself too suddenly.
I also am not great with being... I don't know, seen? I suppose is the best word I can come up with to some up the feeling? I saw a quotation that sort of summed it up: the shame of being seen consumes me (source). I'm not great at putting myself out there in public spaces because it feels like I can never be all of myself, and like I spoke about in my entry for day one, I find that utterly stifling.
This is all just scratching the surface about why I barely ever put myself out there in fandom spaces anymore. Some of them are good healthy reasons, some of them are motivated by an anxious fear, but all of them culminate in making me seem akin to a reclusive bat that flies out of its cave occasionally to eat a berry or two.
So this challenge was... well, a challenge (lol). I wasn't sure how to do it in a way that felt meaningful, but I definitely wanted to make sure I did, because then it had the chance of developing into a friendship or at least something. And it didn't have to per se, but it had to feel like it could. Well, this is all a longwinded way of saying that I figured it out, and used the challenge to give me that last bit of courage to send a message that was quite overdue. And I was very nervous but also excited! And I hope they respond kindly! I'm sure they will.
Anyway. Hopefully going forward I can continue, at my own pace, slowly and quietly putting myself out there as I want to. I'm not huge on social media but like hell I'll let it get completely in the way of making friends in this weird wonderful world of fandom. Day four: check.
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding the idea of talking to people in fandom spaces. I think it's a combination of my inherent inclination to go under the radar around strangers and by hang-ups surrounding fandom in general. My relationship with this strange huge hobby of mine is complex to put it lightly (convoluted to be more blunt) and I worry constantly about tipping whatever precarious balance I've managed to achieve and overwhelming myself again.
It's weird because I love fandom — I adore it. I owe it so much and I'm endlessly happy it exists. But in certain spheres of it, it's too loud, too rowdy, too fast-moving, too hectic and chaotic and unforgiving and demanding. Microblogging platforms like tumblr (and, at least in fandom spheres, twitter as well, right?) don't meld very well with how I like to go about things. I really value my privacy, and while I love making friends (and more than anything having them so I can have a safe space to talk about things like my favourite characters' daddy issues) I get stressed out if it feels like I have to give too much of myself too suddenly.
I also am not great with being... I don't know, seen? I suppose is the best word I can come up with to some up the feeling? I saw a quotation that sort of summed it up: the shame of being seen consumes me (source). I'm not great at putting myself out there in public spaces because it feels like I can never be all of myself, and like I spoke about in my entry for day one, I find that utterly stifling.
This is all just scratching the surface about why I barely ever put myself out there in fandom spaces anymore. Some of them are good healthy reasons, some of them are motivated by an anxious fear, but all of them culminate in making me seem akin to a reclusive bat that flies out of its cave occasionally to eat a berry or two.
So this challenge was... well, a challenge (lol). I wasn't sure how to do it in a way that felt meaningful, but I definitely wanted to make sure I did, because then it had the chance of developing into a friendship or at least something. And it didn't have to per se, but it had to feel like it could. Well, this is all a longwinded way of saying that I figured it out, and used the challenge to give me that last bit of courage to send a message that was quite overdue. And I was very nervous but also excited! And I hope they respond kindly! I'm sure they will.
Anyway. Hopefully going forward I can continue, at my own pace, slowly and quietly putting myself out there as I want to. I'm not huge on social media but like hell I'll let it get completely in the way of making friends in this weird wonderful world of fandom. Day four: check.
